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Terms and Conditions of Use for The FY Times

Last Updated: A day you weren't paying attention.

1. Preliminary Matters & Acceptance of This Digital Handshake

Welcome to The FY Times (hereafter referred to as "the Website," "the Service," or "This Grand Experiment in Digital Publishing"). These Terms and Conditions ("Terms," "the Agreement," or "The Fine Print Nobody Reads") constitute a legally binding agreement between you, the individual accessing, browsing, or otherwise using the Website ("You," "the User," or "the Visitor"), and The FY Times, its ethereal and likely fictional parent companies, subsidiaries, affiliates, agents, officers, and the disembodied spirit of its founding editor ("We," "Us," or "the House").

By accessing, reading, scrolling through, or even just glancing at the content on this Website, you hereby acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agreed to be bound by these Terms in their entirety. If you do not agree with any part of these Terms, or if you lack the requisite sense of humor to process the information contained herein, your sole and exclusive remedy is to immediately cease all use of the Website, close the browser tab, and perhaps go for a walk to contemplate your life choices. Your continued use of the Website following the posting of any changes to these Terms will be deemed your acceptance of those changes. Ignorance of these Terms is not a defense, though we admire the attempt.

2. The Nature of the Content: A Disclaimer of Epic Proportions

The FY Times is a work of satire, commentary, and creative expression. The content published on this Website, including but not limited to articles, opinions, diatribes, and the uncensored truths allegedly channeled from beyond the grave by one Scarlett Kellerman, is provided for entertainment, amusement, and general intellectual provocation only.

Under no circumstances should any content on this Website be construed as factual reporting, financial advice, legal counsel, medical guidance, or a reliable basis for any decision-making whatsoever. We are journalists in the same way a court jester is a political advisor. The opinions expressed by our writers, whether living, dead, or entirely fabricated (e.g., Sir FAFO de Jestere), are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The FY Times, which, to be clear, has no official opinions on anything other than the proper use of the em dash.

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental, satirical, or the result of a universe that is far more absurd than we could ever hope to invent. If you believe an article is about you, we gently suggest a period of quiet self-reflection. The content is provided "as is," "with all faults," and without any warranty of accuracy, timeliness, or usefulness. We cannot be fired. Remember that.

3. Intellectual Property Rights (Our Stuff Is Our Stuff)

All materials displayed or performed on the Website, including, but not limited to, text, graphics, data, articles, photos, images, illustrations, and so forth (all of the foregoing, the "Content") are protected by copyright, trademark, and other intellectual property laws. The Website, the Content, and all intellectual property rights therein are the exclusive property of The FY Times and its licensors (which, again, may be ghosts).

You are granted a limited, non-exclusive, non-sublicensable, non-transferable license to access and view the Content for your personal, non-commercial use. You may read it. You may share links to it. You may even print it out and use it to line the bottom of your parrot's cage. However, you shall not, and shall not permit any third party to, directly or indirectly: (i) copy, reproduce, modify, distribute, display, perform, or create derivative works of the Website or the Content without our express prior written consent; (ii) systematically retrieve data or other content from the Website to create or compile, directly or indirectly, a collection, compilation, database, or directory; or (iii) use the Content for any commercial purpose whatsoever. Stealing our words is not only a breach of this Agreement but also profoundly uncreative.

4. User Conduct (Or, How Not to Be an Annoyance)

As a condition of your use of the Website, you agree to conduct yourself as a reasonable adult who understands the concept of satire. You agree not to use the Website for any purpose that is prohibited by these Terms or that is otherwise unlawful, stupid, or likely to cause us a headache. Prohibited activities include, but are not limited to:

  • Attempting to interfere with the proper functioning of the Website, including by introducing viruses, worms, or other material that is malicious or technologically harmful.
  • Using any robot, spider, or other automatic device, process, or means to access the Website for any purpose, including monitoring or copying any of the material on the Website.
  • Attempting to gain unauthorized access to, interfere with, damage, or disrupt any parts of the Website, the server on which the Website is stored, or any server, computer, or database connected to the Website.
  • Engaging in any conduct that restricts or inhibits anyone's use or enjoyment of the Website, or which, as determined by us in our sole and unfettered discretion, may harm The FY Times or users of the Website or expose them to liability.
  • Posting or transmitting any comment or communication that is defamatory, obscene, indecent, abusive, offensive, harassing, violent, hateful, inflammatory, or otherwise objectionable. While we appreciate brutal honesty, there is a line. We can't define it, but we know it when we see it.
  • Using the Website to seek genuine emotional support, trigger warnings, or safe spaces. The content is sharp enough to shave with. You have been warned. Proceed with the appropriate level of emotional armor.

5. Limitation of Liability (The Big, Boring, Arse-Covering Section)

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE AGREEMENT, WHICH IS WHY WE ARE TYPING IT IN ALL CAPS, A PRACTICE WE GENERALLY FIND TO BE VULGAR. PLEASE READ IT WITH THE SERIOUSNESS OF A TAX AUDIT.

TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMITTED BY APPLICABLE LAW, IN NO EVENT SHALL THE FY TIMES, ITS AFFILIATES, OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, AGENTS, GHOSTS, JESTERS, OR LICENSORS BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, PUNITIVE, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, OR EXEMPLARY DAMAGES, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF PROFITS, GOODWILL, USE, DATA, OR OTHER INTANGIBLE LOSSES, THAT RESULT FROM THE USE OF, OR INABILITY TO USE, THIS WEBSITE OR ANY OF ITS CONTENT.

FURTHERMORE, WE SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, HARM, OR INJURY ARISING FROM:

  • YOUR RELIANCE ON ANY INFORMATION OBTAINED FROM THE WEBSITE, WHICH, AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED, IS SATIRE AND NOT TO BE RELIED UPON FOR ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE.
  • ANY PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL DECISIONS MADE BASED ON THE CONTENT, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO, QUITTING YOUR JOB, LEAVING YOUR SPOUSE, OR INVESTING IN TOAST-BASED CRYPTOCURRENCY.
  • EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, EXISTENTIAL DREAD, OFFENSE, INDIGNATION, ANNOYANCE, BEWILDERMENT, OR UNCONTROLLABLE FITS OF GIGGLING.
  • ANY ERRORS, OMISSIONS, OR INACCURACIES IN THE CONTENT, NO MATTER HOW GLARING OR OBVIOUS.
  • THE CONDUCT, WHETHER ONLINE OR OFFLINE, OF ANY OTHER USER OF THE WEBSITE (SHOULD WE EVER BE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO ALLOW COMMENTS).
  • ANY UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO OR USE OF OUR SERVERS AND/OR ANY AND ALL PERSONAL INFORMATION STORED THEREIN.

OUR TOTAL, AGGREGATE, AND CUMULATIVE LIABILITY TO YOU FOR ANY AND ALL CLAIMS ARISING OUT OF OR RELATING TO YOUR USE OF THE WEBSITE OR THE CONTENT, REGARDLESS OF THE FORM OF ACTION, IS LIMITED TO THE AMOUNT YOU HAVE PAID, IF ANY, TO US FOR ACCESS TO THE WEBSITE DURING THE TWELVE (12) MONTHS IMMEDIATELY PRECEDING THE EVENTS GIVING RISE TO THE CLAIM. GIVEN THAT ACCESS TO THE WEBSITE IS CURRENTLY PROVIDED FREE OF CHARGE, YOU CAN DO THE MATH. OUR LIABILITY IS, TO THE GREATEST EXTENT PERMISSIBLE BY LAW, ESSENTIALLY ZERO. IF A JURISDICTION PROHIBITS THE EXCLUSION OR LIMITATION OF LIABILITY FOR CONSEQUENTIAL OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, OUR LIABILITY IS LIMITED TO THE MINIMUM EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW. WE WILL ARGUE ABOUT IT EITHER WAY.

6. Indemnification (You Break It, You Buy It)

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless The FY Times, its affiliates, and their respective officers, directors, employees, contractors, agents, licensors, suppliers, successors, and assigns from and against any claims, liabilities, damages, judgments, awards, losses, costs, expenses, or fees (including reasonable attorneys' fees) arising out of or relating to your violation of these Terms and Conditions or your use of the Website, including, but not limited to, your use of the Website's Content in a manner not expressly authorized in this Agreement or your inability to distinguish satire from a credible source of news.

7. Governing Law and Jurisdiction

Any dispute or claim arising from or related to these Terms or the Website shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of a jurisdiction of our choosing at the moment a dispute arises, without giving effect to any choice or conflict of law provision or rule. We are whimsical like that. Any legal suit, action, or proceeding shall be instituted exclusively in the courts of said undetermined jurisdiction, and you waive any and all objections to the exercise of jurisdiction over you by such courts and to venue in such courts.

8. Miscellaneous Legal Mumbo Jumbo

Entire Agreement: These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and The FY Times regarding the use of the Website, superseding any prior agreements.

Waiver and Severability: No waiver by The FY Times of any term or condition set out in these Terms shall be deemed a further or continuing waiver. If any provision of these Terms is held by a court of competent jurisdiction to be invalid, illegal, or unenforceable for any reason, such provision shall be eliminated or limited to the minimum extent such that the remaining provisions of the Terms will continue in full force and effect.

Termination: We reserve the right to terminate or suspend your access to all or part of the Website for any or no reason, including without limitation, any violation of these Terms, at our sole discretion, without notice.

Contact: For questions, complaints, or to send us hate mail that we will subsequently ignore, please use the contact form on the Website, which may or may not be a direct link to a digital void.